Much Better

Yup! Getting up and out of this hole and the sun is beginning to shine again. 

Working on an Exploding Star quilt and a Star Log Cabin for my dad.  I'll finish the one I started for mom and keep it or give it to family, haven't decided yet as dad said he didn't want it :/

Anyways, here's to things turning around and going in a MUCH better, happier direction coz February completely SUCKED! LOL!

p.s.  I didn't post about Sierra's car accident, whoa!

Today

Why do I feel like banging my head against the wall 1/2 the time?!  GEEEZUZ! This is HARD!

I told my children that we are not going through loss, but rather through change and sometimes BIG change is hard ... that's all, it's life, it happens and we'll get through b/c we can and always do ...

My heart hurts though ... but I'll get there ...

.......

I sure wish I could hit the reset button, we're in the phase of after losing a loved one that one sibling is trying to control everything and all possessions.  Me, I could care less about such things. I have from my mother what I need.  I was always her daughter, the other 4 were her "kits" as she called them.  I wanted no part of her death and the aftermath that follows, I took care of her life, even at the end.  It is just sad how my younger sister is conducting herself and her life and mom's possessions, just sad.  She's really a sad, pitiful creature and I can no longer worry our care for her, she's 45 years old in April, I think she's grown enough to handle her life, however she sees fit.  She's not ever wanted any part of the 4 of us and our families, except when she needed something.  I helped her finish her degree when she was dumped by her "sugar daddy" b/c she turned 40 *rolling eyes*.  She could not do the work and write the papers, but I certainly could, and did.  We have a new brother-in-law that none of us met until my mother's funeral b/c she has put us down so badly.  Funny, at the end of the day, he certainly was behaving warming to us all which makes the statement that she had torn us down all this time ... apparently, they've been married for 2 years, have been attempting to have children at this late state and have had 5 miscarriages ... guess what goes around ... saddest part of that particular situation is, he doesn't know that she had an abortion at 16 and was told she would never be able to have children ... for the potential child's sake, I hope she never does.

There is so much more.  About 15 years ago, Mom called me all upset and when I found out what it was about I could not believe my ears!  Dad had made out a will that stated if he died before mom the house went to my older brother?!  Mom was so upset b/c she said that she HAD to sign the papers.  I asked her why she signed them and why she didn't say these things to him that she was saying to me?!? That she was married to him all these years, raised HIS kids and worked HARD as well, keeping house for 5 kids and 2 adults and all he did was work 40 hours/week and mowed the lawn when applicable and the occasional o/t when it was available and she would not get the house should he die?!  UN ... BE ... LIEVABLE!!!!

So, she went out and purchased a separate life insurance policy that I thought was too expensive at her advanced age, $200+/month!!!  So, where is that money now?!  It has NOT been mentioned ... just such a sad state of dramatic affairs that I'm afraid will not improve anytime soon ....

I did my part and that's all I can and will do ... I HAVE to go on and take care of my own family, my OWN children that I love dearly.  I need to let all of this go and be here and be present for them, they deserve no less.  They are the best children a person could have EVER prayed for.

Now is the hard part ... the aftermath, and it is here in this time, that I will find out who my friends REALLY are ...

The Longest, Saddest Day of My Life

My phone was ringing frantically this morning at around 8a ... I knew something was wrong.  As I answered it was my Wasband (the girls dad, my ex husband) and all he had to say was, "Has your Dad gotten ahold of you yet?"  I knew what that meant and replied, " DON'T TELL ME MY MOTHER HAS DIED?!" "He said, well ... " and that's all I heard. I broke down sobbing and began crying/screaming loudly in pain.  My husband picked up the phone as I made my way to the living room where the Altar is and began to pray.

I miss her terribly, of course, what daughter doesn't miss their mother? 

I got the details from my Dad later.  He said she had been ill for two weeks now and of course she only told me it was a "cold".  He said that the doctor prescribed her some cough medicine and from there she went down hill, FAST!  She was apparently on oxygen, which she also neglected to tell me, that she had to sleep with and it also started two weeks ago. 

Dad said that she had lost a lot of weight, which isn't good at all b/c she was 5'0" tall and only weighed 96lbs., what weight did she have to lose?!  He said he made her some chicken soup for dinner and she went to sleep.  He got up around 3a to check on her and she was sleeping peacefully, the he checked on her again around 6a and found her in the bathroom slumped over against the door jam.  He immediately called 911 and began CPR.

She was pronounced dead in the ambulance which is only a 3 minute ride from their house, one reason she loved that house so much b/c the police station and fire station next door to it were only 3 minutes away and the hospital was across the street from those stations ... that ride to the hospital was her last.

Poor Dad, when he was asked if he wanted to view her body one last time he said, "No that he had been performing CPR on her all morning and that was not the memory he wanted of her, dead in the hospital as if he had failed her" ...  you see ... Dad LIVED for Mom.  She was his life, he has said so on more than on occasion and it is him that I worry about now.  My older sister and I both agree that in a year, we will be sending him to be with Mom ... eternally.

I thank my mother for the culture, love and family that she taught me, the things that matter most in life are the things that can not be purchased.  I thank her for loving me for the person that I am and she saw and loved my nature.  My love of animals and especially my courage to pursue my love of horses and riding even at this late stage of the game ...

She turned 80 in December, I'll be 50 in October ... something she was so very proud of.

She and Dad just celebrated their 40th Wedding Anniversary on January the 30th ... a treasured day in our family for it brought two broken families together and made one whole, and very large family of ADD folks that needed to OD on Ritalyn! LOL!

I will miss her with every day that passes and as my Dad said .. this is Day 1 ... he means for him without Mom and that he doesn't see there being too awfully many ...

As Dad has always taught us, in Buddhism, it's not "good-bye" it's "See Ya Later"!

I love you Mom, I'm glad that I made you so proud, of me, of the children I have raised, of the family I made, the culture and traditions that I pass on.

In your honour, name and memory ... forever, my Mother.  Aishiiteimasu ...

Iced-IN!

Well, with 3" of ice on the roads and everything closed down I got to quilt and not feel quilty about not being at work lol!

So, here's what I accomplished today.  It's for a co-worker's daugther who is only 2, almost 3.  Her request was for pink and brown and flannel, so this is what I came up with.  The sashing and border and the backing is flannel.  I am going to purchase a hand-held frame (Flynn Quilting Frame) and finish it since my FMQ leaves a LOT to be desired :/

Still loving my job and the company, and the folks that I work with and best of all, I actually can't wait to get to work everyday!  LOL!